i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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