a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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