The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
