Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
