Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
