Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
