as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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