she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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