girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
