He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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