She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
