it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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