I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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