Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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