its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
