can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
