girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
