Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
