he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
