Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm really busy with my period
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