dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
