Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dicks are not precious.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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