Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
