she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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