I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Randomize
