Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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