I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm both gender and math confused
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
