I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
