im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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