i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize