and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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