This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Randomize
