If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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