im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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