and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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