what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Did you pee in the oven last night??
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
