Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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