The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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