dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
