Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
