Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Everclear isn't food dammit
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
