Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
