You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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