In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I currently don't understand fingers.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
