Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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