my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
