I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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