did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We need to get me chipped asap
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
