the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm at about main and main street
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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