You're a womanizer and a bitch.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
