grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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