3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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