You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
