my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
