Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
