I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Everclear isn't food dammit
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize