I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
