I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
