i just made my gag reflex go away.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
