you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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