I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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