we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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