So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
