You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
