Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
