I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
