You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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