Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize